Martha has collected some good stories on the implications of the President’s decision to not defend DOMA in court.
http://immigrationequalityactionfund.org/blog/faqs_doma_marriage_and_our_families/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeffrey-campagna/obamas-doma-turnaround-pr_b_828867.html
When I was born in Oregon in the United States in 1948 I never thought that would mean I might have to leave my own country to be with my future spouse. But now, in 2011, that is what I face.
What do I think about it? No American should have to choose between country and spouse. No American should have to choose between country and career. No American should have laws that make their spouse a legal stranger. But that’s what I face today at age 63 after having to take early retirement to be together with my permanent partner Karin, who was born in Germany but became a British citizen when her mother remarried after the war tore her family and town apart.
Today I know more than I ever thought I would about American immigration and marriage laws. My partner and I can’t get married because Immigration and Customs Enforcement would think my wife would want to overstay her visa – that she would have a reason to want to be with me in America. Duh!
Because we cannot marry with a federally-recognized marriage (thanks to 1996′s federal Defense of Marriage Act, DOMA) I cannot sponsor her for immigration as my spouse. She is not my daughter or mother, so American immigration law leaves us out.
Thousands of couples and families with children face this nightmare – and it is a nightmare. I wrote a book about it and Findhorn Press published it so you can read stories of affected families like mine. You can read the laws that have been proposed but not passed to help us – Permanent Partners Immigration Act, Uniting American Families Act, Reuniting Families Act and Comprehensive Immigration Reform of 2010.
Learn what groups work on this issue solely or primarily to help us – Immigration Equality, Out4Immigration and Love Exiles Foundation – as well as other groups who include same-sex binational couples in their immigration and LGBT work.
Order Torn Apart: United by Love, Divided by Law from Findhorn Press now and help Judy and Karin and thousands of others stay together – not be torn apart!
To order now, go to:
http://www.findhornpress.com/search/results.html?keyword=Torn+Apart&x=19&y=7
Use order code LOEX17 and $4 of your purchase price goes to the Love Exiles Foundation!
Times are changing for Love Exiles
Press release
Love Exiles from the United States of America are looking at the light at the end of a long tunnel, with the likely ending of DOMA. The Obama Administration has announced it is no longer willing to defend DOMA in federal lawsuits related to the act. The future now depends on the outcome of a number of standing lawsuits.
The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) is a major obstacle to US LGBT citizens with foreign partners being able to live in the US. With the Obama Administration’s decision not to defend the Defense of Marriage Act, many Love Exiles are daring to think they will be able to return to the US with their legal spouse.
Love Exiles are binational LGBT couples who do not have the freedom to live in either or both countries of citizenship of the partners. The Netherlands is home to many Love Exiles from the United States, living here with their Dutch or European partner because it is possible here but not in the US. Immigration law in the United States recognizes only heterosexual marriages. US citizens who want to sponsor their partner to live with them in the United States must marry. DOMA has stood in the way of immigration reform for LGBT families. DOMA has meant that each state in the nation chooses whether the institution of marriage can be opened to LGBT couples – and whether that state recognizes the legal union formed between two people of the same sex in other states or abroad. Getting rid of DOMA will open the way for US immigration law to acknowledge marriages between binational same-sex couples.
A ‘tipping point’ in the demise of DOMA seems to be Edith (Edie) Windsor’s lawsuit. When her Dutch-born wife Thea Spyer died, after a partnership spanning 44 years, the government sent Edith a large tax bill for Thea’s part of their shared property. Edie went to court demanding their relationship be recognized as family, in which case the state would not tax her. On reviewing the case, the Obama administration recognized blatant anti-gay discrimination and announced it was not willing to defend DOMA.
Love Exiles are now full of hope that they will be able to return to their country and their families, bringing their foreign partner with them. People are asking the Love Exiles Foundation questions like “When can we go home?” “Can I sue for a Green Card?”
The Love Exiles Foundation was set up in 2002 in Amsterdam in the first place to let Love Exiles know they are not alone, and to influence US lawmakers to stop discriminating LGBT families in US immigration law.
In 2007 Love Exiles board members Bob Bragar and Martha McDevitt-Pugh addressed the LGBT caucus at the Democratic National Convention. They spoke with Brian Bond and Andy Tobias, both influential Democrats, and acquainted them with the issues of Americans living in exile for love. That same week Bob Bragar spoke with presidential candidate Barack Obama. Obama asked “Where do you live?” Bob said “Amsterdam, the Netherlands.” Obama asked why and Bob explained that US law and the Defense of Marriage Act bars US citizens from bringing their same-sex partners to America, so he had to move abroad.” Obama was visibly moved and said “That’s not fair!”
The Love Exiles board had earlier prepared the resolution on the Uniting American Families Act, and Act designed to add the words “ And permanent partners” to the US immigration law. Democrats Abroad took on the resolution, which later also became the basic text of the City of San Francisco’s resolution on UAFA. “We have done a lot for this win,” says Bob Bragar, now chair of Democrats Abroad in the Netherlands.
Love Exiles has groups in Great Britain, Canada, Australia, Germany and the Netherlands. Founder and Chair Martha McDevitt-Pugh is happy with the imminent demise of DOMA. “But don’t forget, there are only 5 States in the US where LGBT people can marry. If one of the partners lives in Florida, and the other in say, Kenya, they cannot marry and they are still faced with an immigration law that will not accommodate them. We have to change the immigration law to recognize permanent partners, not just spouses.”
“President Obama’s principled stand is sure to reignite a heated debate in the U.S.,” says Amsterdam resident Robert Checkoway, a Love Exile and global vice chair of Democrats Abroad. “It clearly affirms his commitment to the fair treatment of all LGBT Americans going into his re-election campaign.”
————– end message ———-
For more information:
Martha McDevitt-Pugh: + 31 6 21504249
Bob Bragar: +31 6 15094959
http://loveexiles.wordpress.com
PERSBERICHT
Amsterdam 24 Feb 2011
Liefdesbannelingen uit de VS hebben een glimpje hoop gekregen dat ze naar huis kunnen, nu dat President Obama heeft verklaart dat hij de homovijandige wetgeving Defence of Marriage Act (DOMA) niet zou verdedigen.
Liefdesbannelingen (Love Exiles) zijn homo- en lesbische stellen met verschillende nationaliteiten die de vrijheid niet hebben om zich in het land van burgerschap van een of beide partners te vestigen. Nederland herbergt veel liefdesbannelingen uit de VS. Ze wonen hier met hun Europese partner omdat de wetgeving hier zegt dat dat kan, terwijl de partner uit de VS geen mogelijkheid heeft om met haar of zijn partner in de VS te wonen. De grote blokkade is de immigratie wetgeving in de VS , een federale zaak. Volgens deze wetgeving kunnen slechts heteroseksuele stellen hun buitenlandse partner sponsoren om met hen in de VS te wonen.
DOMA stond in de weg om de immigratie wetgeving in de VS aan te passen. DOMA maakt dat iedere staat voor zichzelf mag kiezen wat in het huwelijkse wetgeving staat. Om de federale wet aan te passen zou het huwelijk open moeten worden gesteld voor homoparen in alle staten van de natie. Nu dat DOMA mogelijk ingetrokken wordt kan de immigratie wetgeving aan de werkelijkheid worden aangepast. De werkelijkheid is dat meer en meer mensen in de VS vinden dat de familiale relaties van homoseksuele mensen erkend moeten worden. De werkelijkheid is ook dat meer en meer homo- en lesbische Amerikanen kunnen trouwen met hun buitenlandse partner. Het begon in Nederland, 10 jaar geleden. Nu zijn er zelfs 5 staten in de VS waar homoseksuele stellen kunnen trouwen.
De ‘tipping point’ lijkt te zijn de rechtszaak die vorig jaar aangespannen is door Edith Winsor. Toen haar in Nederland geboren echtgenote Thea Spyer overleed na 44 jaar samenzijn werd Edith geconfronteerd met een forse rekening van de federale overheid. Zij zou belasting over Thea’s deel van hun gezamenlijke bezit aan de overheid moeten betalen. Ze is naar de rechtbank gestapt met de eis dat haar relatie erkend zou zijn as en familiale relatie. Obama heeft naar de zaak gekeken en ziet slechts discriminatie in de wetgeving. Hij wil die wetgeving daarom niet verdedigen.
Liefdesbannelingen wereldwijd zijn hoopvol da ze gauw weer naar huis kunnen. De Stichting Love Exiles wordt bestookt met vragen als: wanneer kunnen we weer naar huis? Kan ik een Green Card (verblijfsvergunning) nu opeisen? De Stichting Love Exiles werd in 2002 in Amsterdam opgericht om liefdesbannelingen in eerst instantie te laten weten dat ze niet alleen zijn en om druk uit te oefenen op de Amerikaanse politiek om de discriminatie in de Immigratie wetgeving te bestrijden. Love Exiles heeft groepen in Engeland, Canada, Australië, Duitsland en Nederland. Voorzitter Martha McDevitt-Pugh is zeker blij met deze kentering. “Maar vergeet niet, er zijn slechts 5 staten in de VS waar je kunt trouwen. Als een van de partners uit Kenya komt en de ander uit Florida kunnen ze nergens trouwen. Daarom moeten we steeds werken om de immigratiewetgeving vrij van anti-homo discriminatie te krijgen.”
Today we’re in awe of the millions of LGBT people and our friends and family who are tipping the scales in favor of love and acceptance. This news brings us one step closer to winning legal rights for our families and ending the cruel exile of so many binational same-sex couples. DOMA is still on the books, and we still face the same challenges to keep our families together. The news from the White House gives us hope. It also reminds us how important it is to keep sharing our stories. No US citizen should have to choose between the person they love and their country.
Obama drops defense of Defense of Marriage Act
This posting is from a member of our community in Canada:
We live on opposite ends of the continent; me on the West Coast in Vancouver, Canada, and Andrea on the East Coast, in the Boston, MA area. For the past 18 months, we’ve traveled to be together for brief or slightly longer periods of time. She cannot move here, for job and family reasons, and I can’t move there, for *stupid* political reasons.
How we cope? We pretend that I go on long business trips. During shorter breaks in the academic year, she visits her kids on the West Coast, and I get invited, too. In the summer months (last year) we managed to spend 3 months together, alternating our home base every 3 – 4 weeks. This summer… who knows?
How we cope? The traveling has a cost – and not just a financial one, although it does add up when you fly to Boston practically every month. I’m trying to find a steady job here, and when I’m successful, that’s the end of my longer stays there – a long weekend every now and then, and hopefully I can fly her up here for (part of) the summer – at least we’ll have the evenings and weekends.
How we cope? With IM, and Skype, and thoughtful emails. With sappy Hallmark cards. With aching hearts.
How we cope? I wrote this a couple of months ago, and I’d like to share it with others in our situation:
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -
Every time I have to leave you, I leave a piece of me behind.
So far, I’ve left you 9 times in the past year, and
I’ve spent a total of 212 days and nights with you
out of 374 days since our first night together.
That’s almost 57%; just over half my time
has been with you
And each time I have to leave you, I leave a piece of me behind.
I also take a piece of you with me, hoping it will last
until I’m back in your arms again.
Sometimes it does.
Mostly, it runs out a few days before I return
to reunite with the piece of me I left behind
Sometimes, the piece of me I left behind is all used up.
It’s gone. I search for it, in your eyes, in your embrace, in your kiss.
But it’s not anywhere I look; I can’t find it without your help.
And when I need you to show me, to tell me we’re all right, and still whole…
is when it seems hardest for you to do just that.
Seems you’ve lost that piece of me, too.
Sometimes the pieces of me in your care, and the pieces of you in mine
are lost, consumed, faded away – despite our best efforts to keep them safe.
This is an unhappy side effect of leaving all the time.
We can rebuild those pieces, you and I, but starting each new visit
with a deficit means we’re forever playing catch-up;
and while we do grow, growth is delayed, retarded.
This is why I want to stay; why I want to stop leaving.
So we can build, instead of re-build.
So we can walk into a future together, growing steadily as a couple,
instead of two steps forward and one step back
But until we can, I will cherish our time together, and
every time I have to leave you, I *will* leave a piece of me behind.
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -
At Passover, we Jews say “Next year in Jerusalem”. My fervent hope is, that I can say – soon – “Next year in Boston”.
As a binational same-sex couple, our choice of where to live is complex. Parents in Australia and the USA and a son in the Netherlands – how to be near family?
I’m wondering how other love exiles experience their choices. We are lucky to live in a country where we are first class citizens. Lin immigrated to the Netherlands many years ago. Because she was a resident (though not a citizen) she could sponsor me as a resident. The Netherlands is a potential permanent home for us.
But what spending time with our aging parents in Australia and the US? They won’t be around forever. Do we settle in the Netherlands? Do we buy a house or rent? Are we living with one foot in Europe and the other hovering above the Pacific or Atlantic ocean?
At the moment it feels like we’re hovering. We both long to have our own home. Each step we take in getting closer to buying a home in the Netherlands, I’m plagued by doubt. Shouldn’t we be looking in Australia? What if the US opens up immigration to same-sex couples soon? Would we move to California? And on and on.
It’s unsettling and costs a lot of energy to not know what is the right choice. The uncertainty has a high emotional cost.
Skype, email, Facebook all help. But it’s not the same as being able to go to a doctor’s appointment with mom or dad.
How do other love exiles deal with this? If you have a country where you can both legally live together, do you settle down even though aging parents are far away and may need you? How do you handle the expense of traveling back and forth to be with family on different continents? Do you have more than one home? I’d love to hear from others.
Tags: aging parent, emotional cost, settling down
| You’re probably wondering what we do for Thanksgiving. It’s not a holiday in the Netherlands, which makes it a challenge to stay home and cook and eat all day – not to mention relax and recover the day after.To not miss this extraordinary holiday, we’re inviting everyone to join Love Exiles in a celebration of life and love in the Netherlands. It’s the holiday season and a great time to - connect with old and new friends - meet new love exiles - celebrate love - share our thoughts on the efforts to stop homophobic discrimination in US immigration law. We’ll be at Restaurant Tjing Tjing, Cornelis Troostraat 56-58, 1072 JH Amsterdam. Come find out how delicious pumpkin pie can be! And of course we want to have our families there as well, so please bring the children. Love Exile Karin Bogliolo will join us via a live Skype link from Scotland to share about the book her US partner has written, “Torn Apart”, due to be released early in 2011. Eat Pray Love author Liz Gilbert has written the book’s introduction (and lobbied in Washington for UAFA on behalf of love exiles). Inspired by the It Gets Better Campaign, UvA student Eliot will conduct video interviews with couples and individuals. Save the date, tell friends who are exiles, and let’s have a blast on the 28th. Lin and Martha McDevitt-Pugh for the Love Exiles Board |
Now that the midterm elections are behind us, the real work begins. All of us at the Immigration Equality Action Fund are working to ensure that, when a new Congress is sworn in on January 3rd, we have a plan in place to keep progress moving forward for our families.
Please remember to log on now, and RSVP for our post-election strategy call tomorrow at 1pm EST / 10am PST.
Call-In Number: (712) 432-0075
Access Code: 754532
Tomorrow, we’ll discuss how you can help our team continue the remarkable progress we’ve already made together. Regardless of who is driving the agenda in Washington, it is up to each of us to step forward and help lead the fight for LGBT immigrant families.
Now, more than ever, each of us must step up and be counted.
Please take a moment and RSVP today. While there, you can also submit questions for the call, and I’ll try to answer as many as possible while we’re together tomorrow.
Please mark you calendar for tomorrow — Thursday — at 1pm EST / 10am PST, and plan to join us for this important discussion about how we move progress forward for our families.
I look forward to talking with you then.
Yours in the Fight,
Rachel B. Tiven
Executive Director
Amsterdam, May 14 2010. Love Exiles board member Robbie Checkoway published an article in the Huffington Post this week. Its a great article and is harvesting a great response of personal stories. The more stories, the more visibility of this issue. Thanks Robbie, both for the thoughtful article and for creating the possibility for so many people to share their story.
Tags: media
