Love Exiles Foundation

Do Ask! Do Tell!

Living on the edge

As a binational same-sex couple, our choice of where to live is complex. Parents in Australia and the USA and a son in the Netherlands – how to be near family?

I’m wondering how other love exiles experience their choices. We are lucky to live in a country where we are first class citizens. Lin immigrated to the Netherlands many years ago. Because she was a resident (though not a citizen) she could sponsor me as a resident. The Netherlands is a potential permanent home for us.

But what spending time with our aging parents in Australia and the US? They won’t be around forever. Do we settle in the Netherlands? Do we buy a house or rent? Are we living with one foot in Europe and the other hovering above the Pacific or Atlantic ocean?

At the moment it feels like we’re hovering. We both long to have our own home. Each step we take in getting closer to buying a home in the Netherlands, I’m plagued by doubt. Shouldn’t we be looking in Australia? What if the US opens up immigration to same-sex couples soon? Would we move to California? And on and on.

It’s unsettling and costs a lot of energy to not know what is the right choice. The uncertainty has a high emotional cost.

Skype, email, Facebook all help. But it’s not the same as being able to go to a doctor’s appointment with mom or dad.

How do other love exiles deal with this? If you have a country where you can both legally live together, do you settle down even though aging parents are far away and may need you? How do you handle the expense of traveling back and forth to be with family on different continents? Do you have more than one home? I’d love to hear from others.

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3 comments on “Living on the edge

  1. J
    January 30, 2011

    I had to write back. Especially since nobody has written back yet. The limbo that we’re in has made our love stronger but when I think about when I’ll finally be with my fiancee, it seems very sad and very far away. Q (that’s what I’ll call her ;)) is from the Philippines but is in Canada for work. She is trying to get permanent residency. I am in the US and if she gets PR then I will have to wait 18 months after I marry her before I can get my PR. Right now I live near my parents but she does not live near hers. Everything is up in the air and it can be very unsettling at times. Sorry I don’t have any answers to your questions. We are just trying to find a way to each other and have not found a way to be in either of our home countries. We are poor and are trying to save as much money as we can. I fill out surveys to earn air miles and I may get an Airline credit card to earn even more.

    • loveexiles
      February 1, 2011

      Hi J – I share you experience of having all the uncertainty, it feels unsettling for us too. Lots of US exile couple choose Canada. If you want to connect up with others who have made it to Canada let me know.

      • J
        February 1, 2011

        That would be great, thanks so much! It is nice not to be alone, I do not know why it did not occur to me earlier to search for an online community of fellow sufferers. I need all the help and support I can get! Straight people can’t seem to sympathize fully.

        Can you see my email address when I submit a comment or do I need to put it in the reply? If you do see it please feel free to write me directly.

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This entry was posted on January 28, 2011 by in equal rights for families and tagged , , .

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